Fushigi Yuugi Goes To Court
by Arcanine
Summary: Fushigi Yuugi characters decide to take each other to court for various offenses...some stupider than others. Ch. 1: Suboshi VS Tamahome! Rabid fangirl jury. Who are the seishi's lawyers? *Many* strange things. Can't really summarize this fic...Read/


Now, for the latest in Arcanine fanfiction…!  *dun dun duuuun!*  Fushigi Yuugi Goes To Court!  This is humorous, please don't be offended if your favorite character(s) is/are being tried for a crime.  Don't you just think there are so many times in FY where characters could sue each other for stuff?  That's what this fic is all about!  Note: Contains spoilers.  [**Shunkaku is Suboshi's real name.]**

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi, so you can't take ME to court!  HAH!  I own a few of the made up characters here.  I don't own Huffpuff's rhymes, either.  I don't own the cheesy law show, or the TV in ancient China.  I don't own Suboshi or Tamahome.  I'm not happy about the former, but the latter I could care less.  I don't own the other bishounen in this fic.  *Sniff*  So sad.  Oh well.  But anyway, I have little knowledge of law stuff, so please say something if you feel that I've written something that is dramatically incorrect.  Oops.  I just used some big words and stuff.  Forgive me!  

**Thanks to TA Maxwell and Huffpuff for some ideas!  **

**FUSHIGI YUUGI GOES TO COURT!**

****

Trial One: Suboshi VS Tamahome 

          Suboshi was having a normal day…or as normal as a day can be when you're a seishi.  Of course, the day was normal until he was watching TV.  Yes, TV.  Miraculously, a TV had appeared in ancient China.  And he had cable, too!  So, anyway, on this TV that miraculously appeared in ancient China due to a plot hole for the sake of the plot, was a court show.  A cheesy court show with a bunch of idiots who didn't like each other.

          "That looks like fun." Suboshi said, referring to the fact that you could drag an enemy to court with basically any reason and then you might even be able to extract money from them—or get the judge to sentence them to jail, death, or some other type of thing.  

          Amiboshi was off living with the strange, scary people who liked to call him Kai-Ka, and Suboshi forgot this.  Which means that he forgot Amiboshi _wasn't_ dead.  You all know what this means, right?

          "TAMAHOME, ONE WEEK FROM NOW, I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!" yelled the one known as "Psycho Yo-Yo Boy" announced to the startled Suzaku seishi later that day.

          "Er…Suboshi, what's a court?" asked Tamahome, who hadn't seen the cheesy court show on TV.

          "Find out for yourself.  And don't forget, you need a lawyer!" Suboshi said cheerfully, exiting the room.

          "Uh…what's a lawyer…?" Tamahome wondered as he watched the retreating figure.  

          At that moment, Miaka burst in cheerfully.  "TAMAHOME!"

          "MIAKA!"

          "TAMAHOME!"

          "MIAKA!  I have a question for you."

          "What is it, Tamahome?" Miaka asked.

          "Er…what's a court?  And where can I find a law-yer?" Tamahome asked.  "Suboshi said he would see me in court."

          "Why?" Miaka asked.

          "I don't know.  That's all he said." Tamahome answered.

          "Well, Yui probably knows more about it than I do…" Miaka began.

          Miaka ran out the door to find Yui, and returned a moment later.  Tamahome was about to get a lesson in law.  Lucky Tamahome.  

          **_A week later…_**

          It was a pleasant day in court.  Judge—the Judge—didn't have anything to do, and so he was indulging in his favorite pastime: Sitting down on his Almighty Judge's Chair Of Doom™ while resting his feet on the "whatever it's called that judges sit at" and twiddling his thumbs.  This means that he was a very boring person, and not the type of person who would enjoy listening to the seishi's—er—problems.  Then, Messenger Kid walked into the courtroom.

          "Judge Judge!" Messenger Kid yelled.  "There's a case scheduled for…er…ten minutes from now!"

          "WHAT?!" yelled Judge Judge, as he stopped twiddling his thumbs, and sat up straight in his Almighty Judge's Chair of Doom™.

          "Yes.  A murder trial, known as the _Suboshi vs. Tamahome_ case." Messenger Kid told him, and left the room before the judge could throw a sharp object at him for interrupting a session of Thumb Twiddling™.

          Ten minutes later, Suboshi walked into the room, followed by his lawyer, who happened to be none other than drooling Suboshi fans, Arcanine and Huffpuff!  Tamahome walked in, also, except that he had a _real_ lawyer…Mr. Lawyer Lawyer, Professional Lawyer Guy.  ****

          "We have come to this court room to have a murder trial.  Will someone _please _explain the case?" asked the judge.

          Huffpuff offered an opening statement, "Since he said 'moshi moshi', he's the one who killed Amiboshi!"

          "Judge Judge, this blue-haired guy killed Suboshi's aniki!" Arcanine exclaimed.  

          "You might call him Tama, but I think he's worse then Jeffrey Dommah!" Huffpuff agreed.  "If you like Ryuuseisui, then you cannot let this man go free!"

          "Ryuuseisui…" agreed Arcanine.

          "If Miaka just tried to eat my pants, then you should send Tamahome to France."

          "Pants?!  That one didn't even make any sense, Huffpuff!"  

"Stop rhyming now, or I'll use the Ryuuseisui on you!" Suboshi said.

"Gulp.  Okay.  I'll be good, Suboshi."

"Now, can we PLEASE start this?!" demanded the judge.

"But you know that rhyming leads to the most successful practice of law, right?  If you want Tamahome to lose, then I must be allowed to rhyme." Huffpuff argued.

"Oh." Said Arcanine

"Let's just begin…" muttered the judge.

"Judge Judge, my name is Suboshi and this Suzaku seishi killed my aniki!" Suboshi said.

"Judge Judge, I did no such thing!" Tamahome argued.

"OBJECTION!" yelled Suboshi, Arcanine, Huffpuff, and various other Suboshi fans in the courtroom.  "HE'S GUILTY!"

"We haven't determined that." Judge Judge said, and upon seeing the death glares he was receiving, added, "Yet."

"Now, will the *official court name for whatever Suboshi is* call the first witness to the stand?" asked Judge Judge, eager to get this whole thing over with.

"OK!" chorused Arcanine and Huffpuff.  

"We call Suboshi to the stand!" they announced dramatically.

Judge Judge presented Suboshi with "The Universe of the Four Gods".  

"Suboshi, do you swear to tell the truth and all of that type of crap?" he asked.

"Um…sure." Suboshi answered.

"OK.  You may now proceed." The judge said, indicating his two lawyers.

"Suboshi." Arcanine said.  "Which of us do you like better, me or Huffpuff?"

"OBJECTION!" yelled Tamahome.  "QUESTION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CASE!"

"Yes, please only ask questions related to the case." Judge Judge informed them.

"Oh well." Arcanine said.  "Now Suboshi.  Tell us in your own words exactly what happened when Tamahome killed your aniki."

"Well, I wasn't there." Suboshi said.  "Nakago sent aniki on a mission to Konan to stop the Suzaku seishi from summoning Suzaku, and he was going to try to stop them."

"But all of a sudden, I felt his ki (life force) disappear!  The Suzaku seishi killed him!" Suboshi said, starting to get tears in his eyes.  "Then Nakago told me that it was all Tamahome's fault!"

The emotional people in the courtroom, as well as Suboshi fans, all began crying.  Cynical people and Tamahome fans all started at them like they were crazy.

"And have you ever felt his ki afterwards?" asked Arcanine.  

"No…" Suboshi said.  

"Thank you, Suboshi.  Now, we call Tamahome to the stand!" Huffpuff said.

After swearing to "tell the truth and all that type of crap", Tamahome sat down.

"Tamahome, please tell the court what happened." Huffpuff instructed.

"Well, it's about time!" Tamahome said.  "We were about to summon Suzaku, and it didn't work.  All of a sudden, Chiriko started playing his flute like some kind of lunatic—"

"OBJECTION!  ANIKI ISN'T A LUNATIC!" Suboshi yelled.

"Overruled." Said the judge, using a big word that Arcanine is sure judges use quite frequently.  "Continue, Tamahome."

"So, after the REAL Chiriko saves us all from Amiboshi's flute playing…because it was really Amiboshi and not Chiriko…we start chasing after Amiboshi." Tamahome explained.  "And then after a chase scene we finally cornered him…and then he fell into a river!  I didn't kill him!  He fell into the river!  Miaka tried to save him, too, but he let go of his flute!  And then he fell into the river!"

"You see, Tamahome seems to be suffering from repetitive-stuff syndrome." Explained Arcanine.  "He can't properly tell us what happened if he's obsessing over a river!"

"But I swear, it was the river that did it!" Tamahome exclaimed.

Nobody noticed the three figures that entered the court room.  It was two scary people and their son, who happened to be carrying a flute.

"Look, Kai-ka, that boy looks just like you." Said the lady, whose voice hurts the ears of many people.

"Sh…Shunkaku!" 'Kai-ka' yelled.  

Suboshi looked around frantically.  "I swear that somebody just said my name!"

Nobody thought to look at the flute-playing twin in the back row of the courtroom.  'Kai-ka' stood up.  "I'M NOT DEAD!" he said loudly.

"I thought I just heard aniki…" Suboshi said.  "But Tamahome killed him, so I couldn't have…"

"It's OK, Suboshi, we'll get Tamahome for doing that!" Arcanine and Huffpuff told him.

"I TOLD YOU ALREADY, I DIDN'T KILL HIM!  HE'S IN THE BACK OF THE COURT ROOM!" Tamahome yelled.

All of the people in the room looked around frantically, but somehow managed to _not_ see Amiboshi.  Suboshi took out Ryuuseisui and was immediately stopped by Mr. Security, the security guard.  Creative names they all have, don't you think?  

"Er…do you have any more witnesses to call to the stand?" asked the Judge.  

And since this was a cheesy court show being shown on all of the TVs in ancient China, we now go to commercial.  This commercial break is sponsored by the (hilarious sounding) song "Kryptonite Smokes" from Weiss Kreuz, and "Jyou Jyou Kibun Kouyou" (CHICHIRI!!) from a Fushigi Yuugi CD book.  We now return to your regularly scheduled fanfiction.  

"No." answered Arcanine.

"OK then…" Judge Judge answered.  

"I call Tamahome to the stand." Said Lawyer Lawyer, Professional Lawyer.  "Do you deny to killing Suboshi's…um…aniki?"

"Yes.  I told you that already.  You're supposed to _help_ me, not try to get me arrested!" Tamahome responded.

"Oh, right.  Well, then, how did you kill him?"

"I DIDN'T kill him." Tamahome answered.

"It seems you're avoiding the question." Suboshi called out.  "HOW DID YOU KILL ANIKI?!"

"He didn't kill me, I'm right here!!" yelled Amiboshi from the back of the room.

"Aniki?" asked Suboshi, looking around.  "Where is he?  Are you a ventriloquist?!"

"No, I'm not, and I didn't kill him!  HE'S RIGHT THERE, DAMNIT!" Tamahome yelled.

"Don't use that type of language in the court, Tamahome." Cautioned the Judge.

"If you're done with your questions…?" Judge Judge asked Lawyer Lawyer.

"Yes."

"Then the jury will proceed to come up with the verdict."

The jury—all a psycho mass of fangirls—jumped up from their seats and went into the White Walled Room Of Doom™ to discuss what should happen.  Just a minute later, they returned with the claim…

"Can I kill him with Ryuuseisui?" asked Suboshi.

"No.  We've come to the conclusion that Tamahome is crazy and should be locked away for a month without Miaka.  He should be left to his legion of rabid fans." 

"Oh, such a cruel fate!" Tamahome announced dramatically.

"Hehehe…" a few people muttered darkly.

Amiboshi, unable to take it any longer, ran up to Suboshi and started jumping in front of him.  "SHUNKAKU, I'M RIGHT HERE!"

"Aniki?  Where are you?" Suboshi asked.

"RIGHT HERE!" yelled Amiboshi at the top of his lungs.

"Hey, aniki!  You're…back from the dead?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Suboshi screamed, finally noticing his twin.  "HELP ME…!"  
          Suboshi ran out of the room, not taking time to enjoy his victory.  Amiboshi sighed, and hoped nothing like this would happen again.  _(These cheesy court shows are having a bad affect on his brain…)_ thought Amiboshi, as he walked out of the door to remind Shunkaku that he was still alive.  Tamahome was dragged off by his legion of rabid fans, who had somehow managed to become the replacement jury after the original people were…disposed…of.  

Ok.  The ending sucked.  I got writer's block, but forced myself to finish this.  The next trial…Chichiri VS Hikou!  And guess what? If you review, you might get to be your favorite seishi's lawyer!  By the way, I have a certain person in mind for Chichiri's lawyer, but Hikou still needs one.  I have a few ideas for other chapters, but I'm open to suggestions.  _Everyone (minus Soi and Tomo) VS Nakago; Tasuki VS Tamahome (for the fight in episode 20); and I'm not sure about any others._  Well, hope you liked this chapter, even with its crappy ending.  I made sure that Tamahome fans would be happy, too!  ^-^  Review, please!!


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